2006 Oscars

Nicole and I have already started the back and forth analysis of this year’s Oscars and I wanted to share a few of my thoughts on the ceremony. They sucked. Actually, I guess I just wanted to share that one thought. Seriously, though, they sucked.

Has John Stewart ever been so boring? I’m starting to wonder if the academy contractually forces the host to be boring. Steve Martin and John Stewart were both completely out of character in the last couple of years and by “out of character” I mean “like watching paint dry” boring. Every now and again Stewart had a good impromptu one-liner but most of his prepared stuff was ponderous.

Is anyone else freaked out by Reese Witherspoon? I mean, obviously she’s hot. But her face is a bit strange. I can’t put my finger on it, but I know there’s something wrong.

Another part of the ceremony that blew chunks was the in memoriam. Normally, this is a weepy three-minute segment reminding you of the passing of the all-time greats. But this year’s version contained only Eddie Albert, Richard Pryor, Chris Penn, and an endless sequence of one-shot 40’s starlets and goddamn producers and editors! I think that they should have gone back to last year’s crop of corpses and reminded everyone of how totally robbed of talent we were when the great Marlon Brando passed in 2004.

And as an aside on that bit, note that Chris Penn died happy. Not only did toxicology show that he died with Valium, morphine, pot, and codeine in his system but the picture that was circulating at the time of his death was this one provided by AP:

Not that musicians like 50 cent don’t piss me off enough for getting the hottest tail in the world but at least he, 50 cent, owner of the ugliest face in the industry, has spent some time in the gym. And that alone could conceivably land a girl like Vivica A. Fox. But washed-up movie stars too? And Chris Penn, for the love of God? Dude might smother that tiny Asian chick. Particularly when that Valium kicks in.

Lastly, I hope that everyone noticed that Dolly Parton now has implants. Yes, I know she’s always had gargantuan boobies but check out the way those puppies meet the sternum. It’s obvious that she got a little bothered by the Earth trying to pull those things into their own orbit and decided to firm them up a little with modern science. If you disagree with me on this one, you’re wrong.