Who Are You People?

Dear Mr./Mrs./Dr./Rabbi Anonymous,

I’ve been checking my logs lately and have noticed a remarkable increase in traffic to my humble corner of cyberspace. In the month of June I recorded a full 10,000 hits from 270 unique people. I know that a few of these people are my friends and family, but most of them are one of you, the masked mass of the electronic herd. I’ve got a few facts here that might interest you and I’ll close this topic with an offer that I hope will tempt you to take off the mask. Contact me, if you dare, and I’ll fulfill your wildest dreams. Or maybe your stupidest. We’ll see.

First, a few tidbits to pique the curiosity of the few friends (and many strangers) that read this site. Two of my three most popular visitors are coming from Canada. I only know two Canadians–both sexy, sexy women in whose pants I would very much like to get–but I don’t think that they have this URL. So, which of you hosers is reading all this content, eh?

Next, by far the most content on this site most captivating to the general public is my series of 2005 pictures from Bay to Breakers. That surprises me for a couple of reasons:

1. The pictures suck.
2. They are primarily of me and my friends.

Neither of these stranger-repelling qualities has stopped over 104 people from visiting this site in June alone via Internet searches. Well, maybe you were just looking for some gratuitous nudity. OK, here it is.

Another stat that appeared on my radar with the intensity of a road flare was the repeated occurences of hits from searches for my ex-girlfriend, Krisztina Kautzky. I’ve sinced removed all her content but I’m printing her whole name again here as a kind of honey-pot: I’d like to see how many of you stalkers come back. Listen, if you’re Googling some poor girl that you happened to see in the Intel cafeteria then I’ve got some advice for you: sell your computer, throw away that Star Trek outfit, and start drinking more. Googling potential love interests in sick and pathetic. At least for you. For me its research.

Lastly, on another geek-note, I’m amazed that visitors that use Internet Explorer only account for 78% of the traffic on this site. That means that 22% of you weanies are fighting the power. God bless you. Seeing as IE has 92% market penetration that tells me that my readers generally hate Microsoft as much as I do.

As I promised above, I want to offer some sort of incentive for the random reader mail me and say ‘hello’. So, having throroughly considered the options in a sober, objective, and deliberate fasion, I’ve come up with the following ideas. If you, a complete Internet stranger, mail me, I will do one thing from the following list:

1. I write a blog article honestly answering any question you ask, no matter how embarassing it may be to me personally.
2. I will make a photographic pictorial of me growing a handlebar mustache for a period of two weeks (timing subject to the activity of my dating life).
3. I film a 10 second MPEG of me doing a shot of soy sauce, Tobasco, or mayonnaise, as you request.

Well, there you have it. There are going to be a few qualifications to the above but nothing that will stop this from happening at least once. I’ll even entertain other offers if they sound like they’ll generate some better content for my site. Mail me, stranger, you’ve got nothing else to do.