The Price Tag On Dreams

One year. That was to be the approximate length of my sabbatical. One week ago I thought I might break the sabbatical early. Now I am back to the original plan. One year.

I knew this sabbatical was going to test my mettle. I knew it would slosh around emotions like a great hurricane. Hell, I was warning myself about these vicissitudes only a couple weeks into this hiatus. My Mandarin studies are a known source of emotional disruption. The effects of professional enterprise–individual projects and the occasional offer to re-enter Big IT–are difficult to predict.

At sabbatical start I planned for “about one year”. But I admitted to friends and family that the right job offer might change my mind. There are so many things I want to accomplish in a sizable and growing organization. I want to build an organization of trust, accountability, reward, empathy, and positivity. I would not pass up a chance like this. Such an opportunity landed on my doorstep several weeks back.

But ultimately–as of today–it did not work out. In retrospect, it looks like I played a brief game of emotional/professional hokey pokey (“left foot in, left foot, left foot, and shake it all about”). As the last option grows cold I feel that I am back to the start. I am again questioning my motives and my goals. I really was committed to the sabbatical.  But then I wasn’t.  Am I now?  I doubt my discipline.

My independent projects in Hong Kong are going better than ever. They are not lucrative (in fact, they produce exactly zero dollars) but they are rewarding. I designed a multi-school research platform, led dozens of talks on it locally, and it now has students’ interest piqued.  I will be leading a three-day seminar on Big Data at the Canadian Chamber of Commerce in late October. And my new professional blog that rewarded me with more readership by the week. All personal projects are going great.

But big IT plays a lovely siren song. My network is strongest there. It pays well. It contains so many of my great friends and people that share my vision, interests, and drive. It is a familiar lover.

But as of today the break-up is “again” final. I have re-committed to my sabbatical. My chamber presentations are just around the corner. Many young students studying computers are listening to me for guidance on a relevant and exciting final year project. And I continue to build my brand as an individual.

I am not sure what price to put on the dream I am following. But I see its costs every day. I just do not yet know another opportunity has yet matched it.