It is not without some hesitation that I again attempt to distill some humorous thoughts from the world of online personals. My reservation is based in the fact that I’m no electronic Cyrano de Bergerac and have by no means mastered the prose required to set an anonymous woman’s heart aflutter. But, I can recognize some terrible writing. So, this article is going to perform some armchair analyses of worst-written personal self-descriptions.
The following are all unedited excerpts from personals that have shown up on Yahoo! personals.
Item 1: Make Sense
Let’s start with this little gem that showed up courtesy of Yahoo!’s “Take a Lucky Spin” (random) selection. The following self-description was provided by the single lady to inform and tantalize. Do note that this is the self-description in its entirety:
The eternal search goes on. Looking to find freedom and fun. Sincerity and Spice. The adventurer for the adventuree. Someone who’s not afraid of the darkness… within. Cause that’s the only way it’ll ever get out. Oh, I also believe in aliens, gov’t cover-ups, and the like. That life/reality is stranger than anything we could ever hypothisize. And that deep down we all know the truth.
It’d be fun to talk with this girl, but I probably won’t ever get the chance. Let me just make a few of my points to the ether and hope that it reaches her ears:
- I’m not afraid of the darkness (within) because it doesn’t exist. If it does with you, get help.
- If you believe in aliens (as in, the ass-probing, abducting type) then you need a good slapping.
- If you believe that “reality is stranger than anything we could ever hypothesize”, then you need a good science book.
Item 2: Act Your Age
Be nice and be real. I want to meet someone KEWL and fun!! Im very positive and love a good time.
Jesus, lady, stop watching the Real World and cruising for new friends in AOL chatrooms. You need to be real and be KEWL. By this I mean read a book and go to school.
Item 3: Tone That Shit Down
i get bored fast so it takes effort if u really want me. and bout my match ..he got to be loyal, and gots to be outgoing, and im not too picky so just holla and well see was up..oh by the way HOLLA AT ME WIT AN EML AD OR SUMTHIN CUZ I AINT PAYN FOR DIS
As one might guess from the above complete and unedited quote of a self-description, this girl is a fan of hip-hop. In case the the liberal use of the word “holla” and ghetto-style mis-conjugations weren’t clear enough, her profile contained a picture of herself with her dubs in the air. Sweet.
OK, so some guys are in to that. But you know what guys aren’t into? Cheap girls that get bored fast. If I’m spending money to keep some girl’s attention that money had better be one dollar bills and that girl had better be naked.
Item 4: Distinguish Yourself
This is difficult. Next time I’ll ask my friends to write this part for me. I’ll say it with few words: nice, funny, good friend, reliable, active, honest(sometimes too much), don’t like arguing, depressed people…I’m looking for somebody with similar personality but also there needs to be attraction on both sides to start something more than friendship.
Thank you, Captain Obvious. This vacuous description could only be made better with the following observations:
- “I don’t want a guy that beats me.”
- “I like stuff.”
- “I have skin.”
If you’ve got any observations of your own, holla back at me.