The inexorable stream of digitally-supplied poontang that has fueled Rich’s dating life for the past year was ultimately what convinced me to give online personals a try. I think that I probably embarked upon this mission somewhat prematurely. I don’t feel that I’m entirely ready to go through the ordeal of first-dates, denied kisses, and inflated restaurant bills, but I guess that I’ve got to do it some time. And while online dating may not be the way to meet the ideal woman, it sure is the right way to meet the freaks.
First let me lay down the rules of the game: as much as I would love to provide links to the online ads that inspired my romantic profundities, I won’t. Its all well-and-good to make cracks at some people’s choice of words or pictures, but the connection between the acerbic remarks that follow and the actual person should be less-than-concrete. So, I’m going to provide quotes and actual pictures without the references.
Second, it is not without some reservation that I post these comments at all. Having recently given it a try myself, I have the most respect for people who take a chance in attempting to describe themselves in a way that is simultaneously original and intriguing. However, as I’ve said before, its more important for me to be funny than honest when I’m writing these articles.
I’m going to structure this as Scott’s Rules for an Online Personal. And given that I have about three weeks’ experience in the realm of personals, I think that you should consider these observations anything but recondite. This article, part one, will discuss how not to select a picture for an online personal.
Rule 1: Take Off the Picture of Your Cat
Listen, I don’t care if Yahoo! thinks that images of your pets or favorite locations serve as conversation starters for potential dates. Who are you trying to sell yourself too? A veternarian in search of clients or a single man looking for his mate? To quote the redoubtable Mr. Bosveld, “I’m not interested in fucking Mr. Cuddles!”
Image 1: Want to date this cat?
I appreciate that you love your cat. I developed a certain fondness for these animals when my ex-girlfriend and I cohabitated with my ex-cat. But understand that there are absolutely no conversations that we can have about any pet you have. Well, if you have a dancing bear or a smoking monkey there may be a story or two. But, if its not my cat, I don’t care to hear about it.
Rule 2: Have Something In the Picture
Put a minute or two’s worth of thought into the reason for showing your picture. If you’re going to trade off that perfect picture of your ass to appeal to a more genteel man you’ve got to choose something that brings your urbane prey to an intellectual frenzy. Don’t be so obscure as to look obtuse.
Image 2: Where’s Waldo?
Take the above picture, for instance. I’ve gone through several phases as I’ve tried to dissect the motivations of its owner:
- Is she in that picture somewhere? Is this like a Where’s Waldo for internet dating? No, I guess not.
- Is there something that she finds aesthetically pleasing about this picture? I know that I’ve watched way too many movies, but all I can think about when I look at this picture is Martin Sheen in a tiger cage getting lectured by an incomprehensible Dennis Hopper.
- Is this picture trying to convey a particular fondness or memory? A love of pandas, perhaps? A zen-like state of appreciation for a quiet bamboo forest? You already bore me.
Rule 3: Don’t Scare Me
Did you know that the purpose of a personal is to sell-up the qualities that you most want others to appreciate and discourage qualities in another to which you’d be least attracted? Let me explain something: if you’re scaring off men that fall into the category of not wanting to be creeped out by a woman, the men that are not driven off are going to have some serious mental deficiencies.
Image 3: Let the sacrifice commence!
I don’t know what sort of goth-inspired collection this is, but when I see barely-lit alter with Aztec statue in the background, I see an offer to the Gods in your future. Or, worse yet, my future. I don’t want to see any blood on the first date that and specifically includes that of goats, chickens, pigeons, rats, and especially mine.
Rule 4: Don’t Mimic Abraham Zapruder
Zapruder was getting blurred, improperly framed, out-of-focus pictures of JFK’s cerebellum painting the interior of his limo because one or more armed gunmen were unloading on the president of the United States. He was not trying to invent a new style of photography. Assuming that you’re not under any such desperate circumstances, you should be taking the time to take a reasonable picture. Hey, if you don’t have a good picture yet, get a friend with a digital camera.
Image 4: I think you’re cute.
Your camera has a flash. Your apartment has a light. Some combination of these two items will produce an image with enough brightness to tell the difference between your mouth and your hair. Use them.
In the next article I’m going to discuss the prose of a bad personal ad. Until then, I encourage each of you to go to Yahoo! Personals and try to find a few gems of your own.