Pope John Paul II Versus Jason Voorhees

I’ve been doing some thinking lately. No, I’m not talking about the kind of thinking that benefits mankind, generates huge revenues, or even moves the masses to better themselves and humanity. I’m talking about the type of thinking that could get me in trouble with the religious right. Specifically, the recent news about the Pope has made me think about what kind of an unkillable Energizer Bunny that dude is. In that spirit, I wanted to compare and contrast the relative abilities of Pope Jon Paul II and Jason Voorhees in my own battle royale of skillz.

It took many hours of drunken speculation to construct this circumspect and thoroughly sacrilegious essay. My goal here is not so much as to offend catholics as to attract fans of the Friday the 13th series to this website. These fans, still gripping their asses in pain from the $10, plotless reaming that Freddy Vs. Jason delivered to them, will obviously participate in anything that involves one of these super-villains. But, hey, don’t take my word for the idiocy of the American movie-going public, just note the $80M in box office receipts that this movie cashed in on in a mere four weeks of public showing.

Anyway, on to the comparison. Let’s take a look at a few qualities of each of these powerhouses could bring to the table.

Divine Guidance

The Pope	Jason

The patron of each person is pictured above. Let’s pause for a second and realize that neither of these pictures is an exact representation of the person it represents. In real life, both are much, much meaner. You need only read the Old Testament for proof of this. One has a record of deception, a flagging self-esteem that requires constant attention, and extermination of members of the human race. The other one has a red tail. Nonetheless, I’ve giving the advantage to the Pope on this one for the sheer killing power of his boss.

Killability

The Pope	Jason

The Pope has had more injuries than a one-armed motorcyclist. Well, I guess that most of them would technically be called ailments. So let’s say that he’s sicker than a Thai hooker. Yeah, that’s better. I was reading this web site I found from Google and it totally got me wondering if maybe God is pissed off that this guy is pope. It looks like someone is trying to kill him. All of this aside, you just can’t beat Jason’s record of escaping death. Advantage, Jason.

Available Weapons

The Pope	Jason

In terms of a heads-up Thunderdome-style pugilistic competition, we’ve got to consider the weapons that each person brings to the fight. As Sean Connery said in in The Untouchables, you don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. Well, Your Holiness, you don’t bring a Gandalf-style wizard’s staff to a deathmatch. Advantage, machete-wielding Jason.

Transportation

The Pope	Jason

I’ve you’re going to put some sort of preternatural smack-down on your opponent, you’re going to have to get to the match in the first place. Pope John Paul II has always been seen riding high in his stylish popemobile. Even in the dismal shot above that I found on Google—which I swear to God looks like it was taken by Abraham Zapruder—cannot tarnish the Pope’s unfailable class as he plows through his unwitting followers. Advantage, Pope.

Stage Presence

The Pope	Jason

Each of these men could easily bring down the house if they did a little ten minute bit at your local coffee shop. But, in terms of absolute knee-slapping hilarity, you’ve got to give it to the Pope. After all, who else can get over a billion people to listen to every word says and yet simultaneously ignore the content as geriatric drivel? Just ask your nearest Catholic what they think about birth control and you’ll get an idea of what I mean here. Advantage, Pope.

Well, there it is. Pope John Paul II wins in a marginal victory over the redoubtable Jason Voorhees. Jason isn’t buried yet, though, as he could easily jump up my ratings system if in his next movie he did a little Seinfeld-like stand-up or flew an F15 fighter jet or something. Either that or the Pope could actually die but let’s not bring the absurd into this process.