The Movie Rating System

The world needs an objective person to devise a good movie rating system. I am that person and this is your system. Anybody with the intelligence God gave a salamander and the income that God gave a McDonald’s employee has Netflix account. Since the cost of a movie on Netflix is effectively only a time investment I see a continuum of movie quality from a $10 theater ticket to a cost-free 1.5 hour commitment on the most boring of days. Given this sliding scale, here is how movies should be rated.

Should Be Seen in the Theater Immediately

Movies that qualify for this rating on my system are truly spectacular and worth waiting in line and paying $15 for concessions to see. They’re captivating, well-acted, well-scripted, well-directed, and totally kick ass. The audience will be into it, which will make the experience kick nuts after the movie finishes with ass. Example: any of the Lord of the Rings movies.

Should Be Seen in the Theater

For movies of this rating we’re still talking about a great movie. But in this case I don’t think that the boundaries of originality have been pressed enough to recommend that you cancel your Thursday night back waxing to see this film. Schedule a viewing at your earliest convenience but do see it before you miss the benefits of audience interaction. Example: Spiderman II.

Put On Top of Netflix Queue Now

This is a great movie but no additional enjoyment will be derived from the sticky-floored theater experience. Even if this movie doesn’t hit DVD for three more months, you should put it at the top position of your Netflix queue now. Remember that 75% of Netflix customers are unemployed, overweight, under-hygienic Bay Area engineers. You’re going to be competing with these lazy bastards for the few precious copies of this movie that Netflix will have for the first few weeks. Get it on your queue so you’re not waiting. Example: American Beauty.

Put On Netflix Queue

This category will contain most of your run-of-the-mill good-quality movies. And all chick flicks. Films of this category are usually recommendable but suffer from one inexcusable flaw. Usually that flaw involves a director that came from music videos or the presence of Bruce Willis. Examples: Charlie’s Angels and Unbreakable.

See Some Day (Queue Optional)

Personally, I put every movie I ever intend on seeing for the rest of my life in my Netflix queue. I’m forced to do some priority maintenance every now and then so that Jaws: The Revenge doesn’t show up before It’s a Wonderful Life. However, I understand if some of you people only want to put the movies that you have immediate intent to watch on your queue. Fine. Movies in this category should be put in whatever secondary movie listing system you maintain. They have some redeeming value but basically aren’t going to be the highlight of your evening. You might be interested in an early role by a young actor, decent special effects or fight sequences, or the baring of some young lady’s tits. Example: Starship Troopers.

Only Watch If Forced To

Movies in this category should not be put on your Netflix list. You should only end up watching them if you’re out of new movies and forced to watch something on TV. Or maybe you’re on a first date and your date suggests a movie and pulls out this piece of shit. These movies insult your intelligence, offend your sensibilities, and bore your eyes dry. You shouldn’t be watching it, but, hey, it’s been a while since you’ve had some loving so you’re going to take one for the team. Examples: Anything with Kevin Costner since 1991.

Refuse to Watch

In the event that you’re at a party and someone puts one of these movies on the TV in the background, you should kick the host in the head, throw your drink on the dog, urinate in the potted plants, and walk out the door. Don’t you have any self-respect? Example: White Chicks.

Name some movies in the comments section and classify them according to this system. I want to know what you think.